Tuesday, January 8, 2013

the house under the radio tower

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

It was probably a sunny day. I was out with a group of people in front of some tall, steel-framed structure. There was an instructor who was telling us about the structure, which was something like a radio tower.

The instructor was now going to take us up into the tower. I had been the most enthusiastic person in the group to go up to the top of the tower. But the instructor took the rest of the group up first. I was left below, possibly because there wasn't enough room for me. Iwaited down below, possibly resting in the shade of the tower, sitting and with my back leaned against the tower, like one might rest in the shade of a tree.

At some point the instructor may have called to me, via walkie-talkie, that it was now okay to come up. But now I thought how dizzyingly high the tower actually was. I was afraid to come up. I may even have had some excuse, like a technical justification, for not going up the tower.

But now there was a huge storm brewing on the horizon. The storm moved quicly. Soon the sky was filled with dark grey clouds. But the real brunt of the storm was still in the distance. A grey-black cylinder of clouds was spinning around, revealing violent, white flashes of lightning between the clouds.

I knew it wasn't safe to be up on the top of the tower in the middle of a storm like this. I thought I'd radio the instructor and tell him that I definitely wasn't coming up now.

I may have imagined myself being caught up in that lightning cylinder and lifted up to the top of the tower. But, really, I was looking around, near the base of the tower, for a place where I could hide from all the lightning.

It was now really dark and rainy. I found some place under the base of the tower that was like a ledge of concrete with some blankets underneath. I thought it was pretty silly to hide under a metal tower during a lightning storm. I thought the concrete shelter might be a slightly better hiding place. But it still didn't seem too secure.

Without my really noticing it, the shelter changed into a large room in a house. I was still laying in the huge pile of blankets, like I was in the shelter, but now the blankets were all piled up against a wall. The room was dark and calm, with the only light coming from some incandescent outdoor light for a backyard garden.

My mother may also have been in this room. She may have been recovering from some illness or operation. She was probably laying on a couch. But then she was gone. It was like she wasn't actually in the house yet, like she was still heading here from the hospital.

I lay on the couch my mom had (probably) been laying on. It was red, upholstered with some thin, fake-leather material. It was narrow but long. I lay back on the couch.

I suddenly felt sexually aroused. I may have wanted to masturbate. But I may have felt like the ghost of my great-grandmother was in the room. I didn't want my great-grandmother to see me masturbating and be disappointed in me.

I also may have felt like I'd like to wear some women's underwear, maybe even my great-grandmother's underwear to masturbate in. I stood up and walked out into the hallway. I may have wandered around the house a bit.

When I got back to the room my mom and brother may have been in there. My brother was taking care of my mom while she was recuperating. I felt like I was no longer welcome in the room. I may even have felt afraid to enter the room. I felt like something about me, probably my weird sexuality, had made my brother feel like I was not a fit person to be around my mom.