Saturday, March 24, 2012

great grandmother suggests college

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

I was in a bedroom on an upper floor of some small building, either a big house or a small apartment building. The room I was in was a rented room or a furnished apartment. Most of my view was taken up by my bed. All the bed had on it was a lot of white sheets. The rest of the room had a lot of white in it as well. But the room was kind of dim, as if only one light were on, somewhere behind me.

I got the feeling that my landlady (possibly an old landlady from my waking life) was coming for me. Possibly I hadn't paid the rent, or possibly I had done something bad in the room that my landlady needed to speak to me about. But I really didn't want to have to face my landlady. So I left as quick as I could, to avoid her.

Now, having walked away from the room, I was out on my great grandmother's lawn. The light was like late afternoon: a kind of cool blue-grey. I was trying to get away from the building (which wasn't there anymore) as quickly as I could. But my great grandma opened the front door of her house and called for me.

I turned around, still thinking that the person I was hearing was my landlady. I looked in through the shade of the doorway and saw my great grandma. She looked younger and healthier than she had been when she died -- maybe like she was in her early seventies, rather than in her late nineties. She was wearing a small, white sweatshirt.

Finally I realized where I was and who I was talking to. I turned (reluctantly?) and walked back toward my great grandma's house. My great grandma had me come inside. She sat me down in the living room. I sat in the chair she usually sat in while she was alive, and she sat in the chair to the right of that chair.

My great grandma asked me how I was, and then started talking to me about my life. She seemed to be suggesting to me that I go back to college. She asked me something like, "Have you ever considered Pace?"

The only Pace I knew of was Pace University in New York City. I hadn't actually considered that school. I didn't think I would ever consider the school, but I didn't want to tell my great grandma that, and seem to be contradicting her. My great grandma may already have seemed a little frustrated with me somehow, possibly because I was definitely being wishy-washy about going back to school.

I now noticed that my bookbag was sitting on the footstool in front of the chair. It had popped wide open. A new package of baby's diapers sat positioned about halfway out of the bag. I knew the diapers were mine -- like I had bought them for myself to wear.

I didn't want my great grandma to see the diapers and know they were for me. I tried to hide them. But now there was another new package of diapers, in a kind of thin, plastic shopping bag, right next to my bag. There were two big, new packages of diapers right in front of me! The package coming from my bookbag was colored red. The one in the shopping bag was green.

I wanted to put the diapers on right now. But I didn't want my great grandma to see me doing so. I was seriously thinking of doing something like hiding behind a chair so that I could change into a diaper without leaving the living room. But I didn't think that would work. I was half-lazily (like in a reverie) and half-frantically trying to figure a way to put a diaper on.

But suddenly I was in my great grandma's bathroom. I figured I must have gotten there by making some excuse to my great grandma about how I needed to go to the bathroom. I had all the bags with me, and I was putting on a diaper.

I looked at my diapered bottom in some (???) mirror. I noticed that the diaper-bottom was torn. It was like the leggings of the diaper were like the stitching around the leggings of panties, and that all the padding of the diaper had pulled away from the legging. Parts of the backing may have been shredding a bit as well, creating a striped or netted look.

I was now in another place. I may have just been with a group of friends, taking care of some task. We were now coming back home, as if we all lived in the same dorm-like apartment. I was rushing down to my room in the basement with a feeling of happiness, the brisk excitement of having been out with friends.

The basement felt full of activity, like there were a number of people who lived down there, and like they all shared some kind of common space like a living room, along one wall of which were the doors to the individual bedrooms. I ran into my room, but I left the door half-open.

I looked at myself in a full-length, kind of narrow mirror on the wall. I realized I needed to change my clothes quick! I couldn't quite believe it, but I was dressed like a girl! I wore a tiny, lavender-colored skirt, a baby blue shirt, and something like white nylons or fishnet stockings. I was also wearing a diaper, which I may have peed in. The diaper was visible from under the skirt. My body may also have been the body of a skinny, teenage girl, even though I was still myself, and a guy.

I knew I needed to change before anybody saw me. (It didn't occur to me that, if I looked like this coming into my room, everybody I was out with must have seen me already.) But as I was changing, my brother may have come into the room. His only reaction to me may have been that I needed to stop screwing around. He was impatient for us to get somewhere. And my slowness was really making him disappointed in me.