Monday, June 11, 2018

vertiginous friendship

Dream 1

I was by myself on one of the top floors of a skyscraper. At first I may have been indoors, near some glass walls that were shaded, like with grey-brown UV coating. But I probably kept going upwards, maybe like I was in an elevator.

At some point I was on the top floor, or on the roof, of the skyscraper. I may have still felt like I was indoors. But I also felt like I was outside, exposed to the chance of falling from the building. I could barely stand up, I was so dizzy with a fear of heights. Yet I knew I had to keep going upward.

There was a staircase, maybe ten or fifteen steps, that led up to the highest point of the building. I knew I had to climb this staircase, even though I really didn't want to. I went up the staircase, probably crawling up, as I was too weak-kneed to stand.

I reached the top of the staircase and looked down toward the "roof" of the building. Just beyond the edge of the roof I could see the landscape of this city. But it was kind of blurry.

I knew I needed to look through some kind of glasses or lenses to see down to the very streets of the city. I really didn't want to. I was scared and shaky right now. If I looked through the glasses and saw all the way down to the streets, I'd be terribly unsettled. But I knew I needed to do it.

So I did, for only a fraction of a second. I didn't see very much at all. And I had the feeling I should really look again, so I could get a good idea of what I was looking at.

But now, down at the bottom of the steps was a group of people. Some of them were my friends, from the art world. They were all milling around. They might have been on some kind of field trip. Or they might have come up here to convene before they headed off to do something.

Some of my friends caught sight of me and may have chatted with me for a second. I think that as I chatted with them I decided to come down from the steps. I was still dizzy and afraid, but not as much as I had been. Now that I was talking with my friends I could at least stand up straight.

Everybody now seemed to be heading out to do their thing. I didn't know whether I was supposed to come along. One of my art world friends, MB, stopped for a second and spoke with me a little bit more. I tried to make sure as I spoke with her I didn't say anything stupid that would make her not like me. I also tried not to let on that I was terribly afraid of being up here on the roof.

I seemed to drift back up toward the top of the steps. MB sort of drifted away, maybe toward some structure that was now like an elevator bank. We were still doing something like chatting, though all the conversation may now only have been in my mind. MB was also really blurry, like I was looking at her through mostly closed eyes, like she was just a swimming glint in a sun-soaked, mote-dotted circle. But my eyes were wide open.

I may now have tried looking through the glasses again to get a clear view all the way down to the streets. But suddenly I knew that there was another staircase I needed to climb, or another elevator I needed to take, or some other way in which I needed to get to an even higher level of the building. I probably got really afraid and shaky at this point.


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