Monday, December 31, 2012

can i borrow $250?

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

It was a bright, sunny day. I was walking out in an area that felt busy like a city street but which was probably out in some vacant dirt lot, possibly in a desert or mountain town. There were a lot of cars around, all parked in a row like they were parked along a curb. Everybody in the crowd was probably dressed really nicely. A distant shadow felt like the shadow that would be cast by a skyscraper on a sunny day.

I was talking on a cell phone with a former head of a department where I worked and a person who is still a mentor of mine. I was in trouble with money and was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could just push myself above the level where I was in trouble. Finally I decided to ask my mentor for money. I said, "Can I borrow $250?"

My mentor was frustrated that I'd asked that question. She said, "Yes, you can. But I can never do something like this for you ever again!" She wasn't mad at me. But she was a bit frustrated that I hadn't been able to get my life back to a stable point by now.

I felt bad about having to ask for the money. But I also felt like I didn't need to be judged so harshly. After all, since I'd hit my really bad point, a few months ago, I'd gone from a place where I thought I was doomed so bad that I was going to die to a point where all I needed to push myself through the next few weeks was $250. I felt like if I kept going along this trajectory, I actually would be stabilized pretty soon.